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Monday, December 10, 2001

One Sick Puppy (No, Not That Kind Of Sick...)

And so, I have the flu.

How sexy is that?

The part about being a phone slut that sometimes sucks rocks is the same part that is the biggest perk: you are your own boss.

So, when you`re sick as a dog and you sound like a drag queen dying of emphysema, there isn`t a lot to do except buy some Puffs, a bottle of NyQuil and hunker down. When your throat and sinuses don`t work, neither do you. Congestion and hacking just isn`t conducive to low throaty renditions of "Don`t you want to fuck me, baby?"

There is an element of unease to taking a day or two off. Regulars can be fickle. They might call in and decide to try another slut and then the john becomes her regular. Hookers have a street corner - phone sluts have an 800 number and a set schedule.

So, you twitch a little. You flip channels on the TV and try to find some soft-core thrillers for occupational inspiration. You pop in a Disney movie. Still, in the back of your mind, you`re wondering who is covering your requests - and you mentally calculate how much this virus is costing you.

Side note on medical science: we can give an octogenarian an erection, but we can`t cure the flu. What the fuck is up with that?

Anyway, if I`m logical, yeah, I`m secure in my job and the service I contract with, and I`m comfortable with the fact that regulars evolve and move on - but it`s a little bit like being a mob boss - if you`re not keeping a close eye on your territory, it can go all to shit faster than you blink.

A couple regulars did email me when dispatch told them I was off for the day. Cob Trotters and B.J. Woamazes always send polite notes, but then they`ve hung around longer than most.

Really, most johns are migratory and transitory. They flock and then disperse, only to fly back out of habit - something about homing pigeon-esque instincts. You just have to roll with the punches. It`s not like the fuckers fill out a feedback form.

Well, I don`t know about you, but I`m glad I worked all that out. I`m not going to make myself paranoid about losing regulars because of a sick day.

But I still have the fucking flu.


PS


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