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Monday - December 10, 2001
One Sick Puppy (No, not that kind of sick...)


And so, I have the flu.

How sexy is that?

The part about being a phone slut that sometimes sucks rocks is the same part that is the biggest perk: you are your own boss.

So, when you're sick as a dog and you sound like a drag queen dying of emphysema, there isn't a lot to do except buy some Puffs, a bottle of NyQuil and hunker down. When your throat and sinuses don't work, neither do you. Congestion and hacking just isn't conducive to low throaty renditions of "Don't you want to fuck me, baby?"

There is an element of unease to taking a day or two off. Regulars can be fickle. They might call in and decide to try another slut and then the john becomes her regular. Hookers have a street corner - phone sluts have an 800 number and a set schedule. 

So, you twitch a little. You flip channels on the TV and try to find some soft-core thrillers for occupational inspiration. You pop in a Disney movie. Still, in the back of your mind, you're wondering who is covering your requests - and you mentally calculate how much this virus is costing you.

Side note on medical science: we can give an octogenarian an erection, but we can't cure the flu. What the fuck is up with that?

Anyway, if I'm logical, yeah, I'm secure in my job and the service I contract with, and I'm comfortable with the fact that regulars evolve and move on - but it's a little bit like being a mob boss - if you're not keeping a close eye on your territory, it can go all to shit faster than you blink. 

A couple regulars did email me when dispatch told them I was off for the day. Cob Trotters and B.J. Woamazes always send polite notes, but then they've hung around longer than most. 

Really, most johns are migratory and transitory. They flock and then disperse, only to fly back out of habit - something about homing pigeon-esque instincts. You just have to roll with the punches. It's not like the fuckers fill out a feedback form. 

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm glad I worked all that out. I'm not going to make myself paranoid about losing regulars because of a sick day.

But I still have the fucking flu.





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