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Monday - February 04, 2002
JOHNS TO LEFT OF ME, CRITICS TO THE RIGHT

Hello all. Sorry for the delay in updating. This phone slut has her fingers in several pies. While this long a lag will definitely not be the norm, I cannot promise it will never happen again.

As you can see, the diary software was re-vamped. It had to be done. The old version meant that I was utterly dependant upon Sinn which just wasn't fair to her. Although it's taken me a day or so to get used to it, I really like this better.

This entry and these changes come at an opportune time because I was recently reviewed by the Real Diary Critic. It is the January 26th review, and if you happen to enjoy my dairy be prepared for an unpleasant read. I am not altogether unhappy with the review - I got 5 out of 10, stuck right in the middle. I find it unfortunate that an otherwise articulate woman would be so intimidated when confronted with facts about the sex industry. And I was disappointed that a person who promotes herself to be objective arbitrarily condemned certain elements of my site (the daily audio in particular) without even sampling them. But then, we all have our little hang-ups. I did take issue with her disparaging of the clip art I have on the site - all of which was created just for me by a close and very talented friend, and which I am very fond of. I also thought it amusing that I was accused of shamelessly promoting other adult endeavors - as though I had pop-ups and flashing banners rampant all over the site. If I am using this site as a marketing tool, I'm doing a piss-poor job of it, imho. But, c'est la vie. Potato, tomato, let's call the whole thing pax. This project is obviously not for everyone, especially those who enter into it with preconceived notions. She was kind in that she gave me a point in writing style and only mentioned my tendency to use fragments. Trust me, this diary is riddled with writing errors. She could have had a second field day with all that.

It got me to thinking, though, about the nature of being a phone slut. How a phone slut has to be a willing personality chameleon and adapt to the whims of others. This doppelganger complexity creates an interesting paradox. Because I am quite decidedly myself. Yet, on any given call, I become whatever the john wants me to be. 

In this diary, I didn't give any thought to what colors would appeal to someone else. I didn't much care if anyone else would like the font I chose. And, really, these diary entries are a lot more about what I want to say than they are what I think you would like to read. So, why did I bother to send in for my site to be reviewed? Why can I be any one of a thousand different women at the drop of a hat and yet remain so firm in my own identity?

Doppelganger complexity. It's worth some pondering.

There is no denying that I am better on the calls that mesh with my personal fantasies. I get into the underage, incest, and non-consent fantasies. Who cares about taboos - those make me hot (as my stories here on the site make clear, I'm sure). But that doesn't mean I'm bad at the calls that don't rev my engine.

I've gotten comfortable with playing a part. Mostly because I stopped stressing about the reaction of the johns. I've begun to trust myself more. I listen to how the johns react, but I don't agonize over it. It's easy when you start out to be hyper-sensitive, and it's even easier to become hyper-jaded when you've been at it a while. Staying in the middle appears to be the trick.

Stuck in the middle. I guess I'm okay with that after all.

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