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Saturday, January 19, 2002

Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

Numerous viewings of I`m a Cow and a recent rash of calls has reminded me that I forgot yet another genre of
john: The Farmer Johns.

Let`s talk Zoophiles (oh baby, oh baby).

*** I interrupt this diary entry for a funny snippet about writing this diary entry ***

The reason I`m using zoophilia, FYI, is because I am not sure how to spell the philia version of bestiality. However, the spellchecker rejects my best guess (bestiphilia) and suggests I replace it with "best Ophelia."

Alas, poor Fido. I knew him, Horatio. Intimately.

*** We now return you to your regularly scheduled diary entry ***

The Farmer Johns have always bewildered me. Maybe I`ve just never understood people who take "screw the pooch" literally. I don`t mean to pass judgment on anyone`s kink, but...you know. How far down the food chain are you willing to drop just to get laid?
Well, anyway, fantasies involving girls fucking farm animals work for these guys, so whatever gets the boat afloat.

So they want to hear all about how I fucked the family Great Dane when I was fifteen. Sure I did. You ask for it, you got it, Toyota. One teenage girl getting pumped by a canine. Check.

And they routinely meander to the extreme. Horses. Camels. Lions. Tigers. Bears. (oh my). Like Scat Johns, I think it`s more the taboo of the concept as opposed to the actual consummation of the act.

And so, what`s a girl to do when a john like Vinni Dallas feels the need to interrupt my standard sex-with-Mister-Ed spiel to ask: "What excites you about sex with animals?"


Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bullshit Artist of the Month award is a ceremony that I take seriously. Lying on cue, and lying convincingly on the spur of the moment is not only an art form, but the bread and butter of my career. So, I can`t afford to fall blank.

The irony of this particular call is that I think I may have hit upon a theory.

Vinni: What turns you on about sex with animals?
Doxy: (after several stalling bursts of giggles) I guess because they just fuck. No talking, no flirting, no foreplay - just raw, sweaty, wild animal fucking.
Vinni: Right-on.

It always occurs to me that right after one of my mental panics for the right lie, I could have probably answered "I like cheese" and I`d get pretty much the same response.

So, in this case, I guess I got more out of the answer then the john did. I accidentally unearthed a possible reason people want to fuck their pets. It`s the only one I`ve got, so I`m going with it.

I know. I know. I`m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.



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