The Johns

I. Types of Johns

II. The Regulars

III. The Hall of Fame

IV. The Hall of Shame

A phone slut really doesn’t have much of an industry without those got-me-an-itch-to-scratch-won't-you-help-me types otherwise known as johns.

They come in as many varieties as the rather tawdry garden of sexual fantasy can supply and I've gotten them all off - the tactless trolls, the princes of perversion, the spank-hungry submissives, and the desperate-to-dole-it-out doms.

Listed here are some different types of johns and a few of my regulars, along with my all-time favorites and all-time crosses to bear. Obviously, the names have been changed to protect the wicked.

John Types

Baby Fucker - A john who is into disturbingly underage girls. They don't have midlife crisis fantasies about the teenage girl down the street; they want to fuck five year olds.  Some phone sluts won't talk to Baby Fuckers, but my thinking is that I'd rather have them tell their fantasies to me as an outlet instead of having them go down to the local elementary school laying in wait for the bell to ring.

Daddy - A Daddy is a john who is into incest fantasies.  As fate would have it, Daddy-daughter incest calls are my personal favorite fantasies, especially when they run to non-consent.  

Diaper Boy - Diaper Boys never got over the cutting of the umbilical cord, let alone the apron strings.  They want to wear a diaper and mess their diaper and be potty-trained.  By and large they want you to be their mommy and talk in baby-speak to them (ga ga, goo goo, etc).  I know, I don't get it, either. 

Dom - A dominant john.  The "let me hear you spank yourself" types who always assume you have no end of sexual restraint and punishment items at your disposal.  Yeah, I have a fully-stocked dungeon complete with self-locking voice-activated restraints and a robot who can swing a cat o'nine tails.  As a wannabe submissive myself, I'd enjoy these johns a lot more if they'd sprinkle the slightest bit of reality amid their fantasy.  I tend to think that most Dom callers are not active Doms in real life because I've had precious few who were ever powerfully good at it.

Farmer John - Those for whom "moo" is a term of endearment.  They don't fantasize about Bunny Luv, they want to love bunnies.  

Gimme-a-He John - These are guys who crave cock, but can't get over their homophobia enough to fantasies about being fucked by another man.  Enter the requests for shemales and hermaphrodites (aka: chicks with dicks).  To these johns, it's okay to be fucked up the ass as long as the one pumping you has tits.

Grade-A John - Grade-A Johns are what every phone slut hopes to bank on.  These guys call often, talk long, and want to be totally immersed in the fantasy.  They don't just want to hear a few dirty words and cum into an old sock.  They tip well, pay big bucks for personal items, and enjoying buying gifts for the girls who render good service.  A phone slut can NEVER have enough Grade-A Johns.

Minimum John - A Minimum John is a guy who just wants to hear any female voice uttering a few keywords of kink (ie: fuck-hungry bitch, cum-guzzing whore, wet-cunt slut, etc).  No matter where their hands are, they've definitely got both eyes on the clock and don't want to go over the minimum - EVER.  These guys would haggle with a two-dollar hooker and settle for any warm body if it saved them a buck.  As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet that body warmth is optional. 

Penny Boy - Penny Boys are johns who keep turning up like a bad penny.  Odds are they've used up the patience and creativity of every girl and just when you think they're moving on to greener pastures, they start their calling pattern all over again.

Pretty Boy - Pretty Boys want to dress up in frilly lingerie and heels.  They probably know more about make-up than your local Avon lady and will spend hours discussing their personal appearance and grooming habits.  From time to time, they slip in a little sexual fantasy between the descriptions of the stockings and garters they're wearing.  They can be straight or bisexual. Generally a Pretty Boy has a good sense of humor and is very chatty.

Ratfuck - Ratfucks aren't even really johns, they are just assholes with phones and credit cards who want to have someone listen to their hateful ranting.  They're rude and insulting and want to see if they can intimidate you and make you feel insecure or ashamed of yourself.  You can hang up on a Ratfuck to save yourself the aggravation, but some phone sluts find it more entertaining to keep the little bastards on the line and see how much money they're willing to spend to be vile.

Scat John - A john who is into scat (duh).  These guys are stimulated by the consumption of body fluids.  You can't piss or shit enough for these guys, and if you have to make while they're on the phone, you've pretty much made their day.  The irony here is that the more base their taste runs, the more intellectual and polite they tend to be.  

Screamer - A john who doesn't necessarily like to hear a lot of fantasy or dirty talk, but is completely into the moaning and groaning and screaming. These guys get off on really believing the phone slut is cumming just for them - and they're detrimental to a phone slut's throat.

Sub - A submissive john.  Subs are just aching to be disciplined, humiliated, and/or insulted.  They want to be ordered what to wear, what to eat, what to drink, and anything else you can possibly command.  These guys also tend to be intellectual clients, and can be milked for tips - especially if they screw up their assignments.  I tend to think of these johns as just regular guys who want to be robbed of control for a few hours.

Toe-Jam John - A john with a foot fetish.  They like to hear about shoes and stockings and polish colors.  Pretty basic.

Wanker - Like Ratfucks, the Wankers aren't really johns, either. They are a variety of lizard with tiny little dicks and way too much time on their hands. For fun, they call phone sex lines to harass the dispatchers with heavy breathing, fake credit card numbers, and any number of other rouses to waste someone's valuable time. In high school, these were the kids who sat in the back of the class and held conversations with their own hands after snorting ditto ink.

Regular Johns

Andy O'Pull - Scat John.  Andy is a perfect example of those phone johns who test the limits of phone-slutdom.  Andy is into scat in a BIG way and not for those with weak constitutions.  He is another steady source of income, calling almost daily, with nearly the same fantasy every time.  I don't know anything about him, except that he always says "thank you" at the end of every call in such a tone to convince me he means it. 

B.J. Woamazes - B.J. is a fun john from Manhattan.  He's a corporate suit with the wife, kids and SUV who just wants to talk dirty to someone with half a brain.  He calls from the office and home whenever he can sneak it and likes to time me to see how long it takes him get hard after hearing me say hello.  The record so far is forty-five seconds, but I'm working on it.

Cob Trotters - Cob is a Daddy and my personal favorite.  A fan of Dylan and The Dead, he often calls a little drunk and high, always with a tender but intense incest fantasy at the ready.  If I were to take him at his word, I have a castle and vassals awaiting me should I ever desire to relocate to the distant kingdom of New Jersey.  The more he woos me with offers to introduce me to Bruce Springsteen, the closer I come to caving. 

Dante M. Hoff - Dante has a crush on the teenaged cheerleader who lives next-door to him, either that, or he watched American Beauty one too many times.  This is a guy who is willing to pay $500 for my high-school cheerleader uniform.  He's already paid $100 for my panties.  I don't ask - I REALLY don't.

Kermit Henkan - Pretty Boy.  Kermit is a very intellectual and polite john from Arizona.  A forty-something divorcee, Kermit is a closet transvestite who spends a great deal of time describing to me the intricate corsets, stockings, and lingerie he wears while speaking to me.  Doggedly heterosexual, his fantasies are less about the rather vanilla sex we discuss and more about the pair of heels he just saw at the mall.

Manson Loner - Sub.  Manson is a difficult flavor of degenerate to pigeonhole.  He is a steady source of income, so you don't look a gift pervert in the mouth, but there is no telling what his next phase will be. More or less a sub with streaks of what-will-he-think-of-next.

Casein Shortening - Gimme-A-He John who likes hermaphrodite fantasies. Especially hermaphrodite  exhibitionists with absurdly long cocks who fuck themselves in public. 

Hall of Fame

Adam Browntoes - Adam is one I still kick myself over.  After a tremendously fun panting session in which we explored his cross-dressing fantasies, we continued on just talking for hours.  A veterinarian from Michigan, Adam has a poetic and genuinely compassionate soul.  We talked about our mutual love of animals and literature.  At the end of the call he confessed that he probably wouldn't call me again; he felt too friendly toward me and anonymity is at the crux of his fantasies.  Fuck a duck, I have to be the only phone slut in the world who can lose a Grade-A John for being able to recite ee cummings. *sigh*

Cal Pursuit - Cal's a firefighter from Wyoming who had been recently laid off and dumped by his girlfriend of three years the weekend he called me.  We talked for hours at different intervals over the course of three days.  The man was insatiable and had me hotter than any john has ever gotten me.  We pretty much exhausted my repertoire of non-consent fantasy.  I've never heard from him again, but a girl does hold out hope.

Hamlet J. Imoans - Hamlet is a complicated john from Kentucky who has only called a few times - every time tooted out of his head on blow.  It takes at least an hour and a half to get him to cum, and you'd better have a soda and a comfortable chair handy because he rarely only wants to cum once.  The fantasies I weave for this one are intricate and dark - usually centering around incest-themed rapes and underage girls abducted and sold into bondage.  Even amid the grunting and groaning, though, he's consistently polite. Following the fantasies he likes to rhapsodize about travel and ancient history.  I haven't talked to Hamlet enough to figure him out, but he continues to intrigue me.  

Hall of Shame

Ken K. Coed - Penny John / Minimum John.  Ken is a pain in my ass.  An occasional caller and strictly a minimum john he can barely manage to mutter a few words before the dance is *ahem* over.  He is a Daddy-wannabe who likes to listen to me tell incest stories in the few minutes allotted per call.  He is always the voyeur in these fantasies, watching me get fucked by my father/brother/cousin. He also never says good-bye, just hangs up when the wad is shot.

Sven Tackler - Ratfuck.  Sven was the first call I ever took and will live forever in infamy.  Pinheads like this are rare, but that would pretty much be my luck.  A hostile little prick, Sven's type calls phone sex services late at night because the pet shops are closed and he doesn't have an aquarium to bat his hands on and feel superior.  Basically, he's a ratfuck who calls because he thinks as long as he's paying for the service he can be as belligerent and insulting as he likes.  It's not unusual for a phone slut to just hang up on these assholes and refuse the call, but sometimes revenge is better.  I argued with this idiot for nearly half an hour and kept the meter running.  In the end he hung up when I casually reminded him, after a rather cutting remark, just how much he was paying per minute to be insulted.