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Sunday, December 09, 2001

Snow White Wasn`t A Voodoo Hermaphrodite

I have a friend who teaches kindergarten and insists to me that it is being surrounded by children day in and day out which keeps her imagination fresh and un-jaded.

I have much the same feelings about being a phone slut, although I don`t share that with her because I doubt she`d appreciate it. Nonetheless, the one thing that remains constant in this job is that the moment I allow myself to believe I`ve heard it all, I`ll get a call that will just knock the floor out from under me.

Today, I got two.

The first was from a 40-something john who has called me before. Casein Shortening is a Gimme-a-He John who likes to discuss fantasies about hermaphrodites. He is especially fascinated by the concept that a woman with both a cock and a vagina would be able - in theory - to fuck herself.

Yeah, my reaction is the same as yours, but it`s his dime, so let the boy dream, I say.

Today, though it wasn`t enough for me to have a willie and a cunnie. Today I had to have a - wait for it - 48" cock.

Yep, that`s right. A 48" cock.

And so, for half an hour we described the special clothing I would need to have made, the way it would swish like a tail when I walked around naked, how I could tie it in knots, wrap it around my waist, and do any manner of things with such a beast attached to my hermaphrodite form. And we talked on. About whether my balls were internal or external. About how much cum those huge balls (and they`d have to be huge wouldn`t they?) would generate and just exactly how I`d have to maneuver the damn thing to masturbate, and on and on until I just couldn`t feign interest anymore.

So, I turned on the headset cordless phone and wandered out to the old computer and watched Snow White on DVD while making semi-attentive sounds. Finally Casein stroked his own significantly smaller non-hermaphrodite organ enough to get him through the rest of the afternoon.

If any of you are interested, I was right at the part where the evil queen turns into an old hag when the call ended.

Normally, I don`t do this. Normally I am in the spare bedroom with the lights dimmed focusing intently upon the john`s fantasy. But sometimes they just want to talk about nothing, and sometimes, let`s face it, I`m better off not thinking or concentrating.

And I called into the dispatcher to report the call and laughingly informed her that I had now officially heard everything.

Two hours later, Irv Dastard made a liar out of me.

This was my first call with Irv. Lord willing, it will be my last. Irv is a Toe-Jam John, it turns out. But, he doesn`t just have an ordinary foot fetish. In fact, Irv has a whole fantasy life mapped out around feet.

In this particular role-playing fantasy (which Irv brilliantly scripted beforehand; from his tone, he might have had diagramed slides, but I couldn`t tell) I was Irv`s girlfriend whom he is regularly cheating on with some girl from work..

For the record, honey, whoever you are, Irv is cheating on you.

Anyhow, so, as Irv`s girlfriend I find out about the cheating and decide to go to an old voodoo priestesses and get a potion that will shrink him down to less than an inch in height.

NO, it wasn`t a hallucination from too many Disney movies and sex calls - this was what Irv wanted. And, after he was shrunk down, he wanted to be wrapped up and swung around in my dirty stockings and then stuffed into my high heel shoe and squished.

There are times, friends, when just keeping the laughter out of your voice means you`re a pro. This was one of those times.

At the end of the call, Irv informed me that I had been very convincing and creative in my improvisation of his fantasy. He also offered to buy my stockings. He apologized for cumming too quickly (it was only a 20 minute call) and promised he`d be able to hold out longer the next time.

Hermaphrodites with 48" cocks, Snow White, voodoo priestesses, and cash for dirty stockings.

How was your day, dear?
Oh, same old same-old.



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