The Muppet Sex Report
By: Doxy Wringer©
Because I have a twisted sense of humor and irony, I have conducted a small poll in my time as a phone slut. Quite simply, I have asked my johns to name their favorite Muppet at the end of each call. When they ask why, I tell them I am working on a survey for Dr Ruth Muppetheimer. Below are my personal insights based on my current findings. More to follow. - PS
Animal - To put it simply: if you can't fuck it, you'll kill it.
Beaker - Sex for you is always confusing, and - more often than not - a complete shock. For whatever reason, you never seem able to get into the emotional rhythm of the human mating ritual, and you end up just a tangle of sweaty humping and pumping. The awkward starts and rocky rides make for an interesting mix of experiences - running the gamut from mind-blowing to disappointing, but it's never dull.
Bert - You are completely anal - which would be fine if that was how to wanted to get down and dirty, but the truth is, getting down triggers that knee injury you suffered back in high school when the big kids crammed you into your homeroom locker. And just forget about dirty; you get hives just thinking about it. In the bedroom when not tinkering with the air purifier or vaporizer, you meticulously prepare for your sexual exchanges. Careful of the positioning of limbs (we wouldn't want to throw out your back, now) and mindful of nips and scratches (what would our family & co-workers think) you engage in nice, clean, antiseptic sex. You don't understand why you always seem to attract manic-depressives and partners on the rebound or fresh out of recovery/rehab.
Big Bird - You are renown for being the friendly fuck. Almost by the book in your sexual routine, you never fail to deliver the goods. However, your sexual experiences don't tend to vary much - basically you give what you're good at and steer your partners toward what you're comfortable receiving Secretly you'd like to be more adventurous, but hold back for reasons even you don't fully understand. You've had multiple partners, and may have even found yourself in same-gender or polygamous relationships, but even in those, the sex didn't vary wildly from your norm. Complications may arise because you focus too much on what is mutually comfortable instead of taking a chance and wandering off the cusp.
Cookie Monster - Your sex drive is insatiable and voracious. You took in pretty much all the plow-worthy territory in your hometown (and, on a few dark and alcohol-induced nights, some borderline non plow-worthy territory as well). When someone turns you on, all you can think of is "gimme, gimme, gimme." You are routinely careless and tactless which gives you a certain sexual bumpkin charm. You've probably had multiple run-ins with STDs like the clap, or the crabs, and you've had to sweat more than one HIV test, each time promising yourself that you would be more responsible. That resolution usually lasts a few months, and then you're right back to screaming "cookie! cookie!" as you rip off your clothes and bone some total stranger in the restroom of a department store because you both got flirty in sporting goods. You don't worry about relationship problems because you don't have relationships. That would involve remembering someone's name for more than a few minutes and you don't have that kind of time.
Dr Teeth - You are most often referred to as "that pervert" by casual acquaintances, and your close friends have - at one time or another, purchased you a blow-up doll (possibly in the form of a ram or ewe). Mothers do not allow their children to take candy from you at Halloween because, frankly, who knows where you've been. Your sexual conquests are few, but enduring and intensely sensual. You are a calm, leisurely lover with an effortless groove and possessed of an enthusiasm to try just about anything once. You own Marvin Gaye's version of "Let's Get It On" on vinyl, cassette, CD, and possibly 8-track.
Fozzie - You are shy and sexually introverted - a needy bundle of spooning and cuddling instincts. Sex for you is a soft, spiritual experience - not a flesh-on-flesh triathlon. You've always been the submissive, and have a history of being ill-used by more selfish, dominant sexual partners (this stems from the fact that you get emotionally involved with people who are just looking to fuck). You sacrifice your own pleasure during sex regularly - usually too timid to ask for what pleases you. More often than not you are unable to orgasm - or have very unfulfilling climaxes, so you tell yourself that you are content merely to be the vessel through which your partner finds sensual nirvana. It is the post-sex and pre-sex activity that you most enjoy; the nuzzling and laying on of hands as opposed to the pounding and slamming. Even though your friends are all affectionate and keep telling you that you'll find your soulmate one day - you remain one frustrated bear who most often finds themself in the shower going "wacka wacka wacka."
Kermit - You employ a slow-to-emerge sexual energy. You feel responsible for the enjoyment of your partner, almost to the point of guilt, and you frequently put their pleasure above your own. You struggle with embarrassment regarding your deepest inhibitions, and, during sex, default into the role of playing nice as opposed to the role you fantasize about when you are alone - that of being dominated. You long to shed your control and be someone's little web-footed bitch. Even though you are often the dominant in your sexual relationships, you ache to be the submissive. Hey, it ain't easy bein' green.
Rizzo - To be blunt, you have an equipment deficiency. So, in order to finesse over your *ahem* shortcummings, you have devoted yourself to technique. Your manner might be a bit brusque, but your delivery can't be matched. You think of sex - at least in part - as a competition, and if you make your partner cum before you do, that's your way of taking home the gold. Problems arise because you have a tendency to overcompensate for your natural handicaps by thinking you have to go above the call of duty. Your partners sometimes feel like they're engaging in some sort of sexual obstacle-course challenge instead of an intimate act. When faced with a tender moment, or a frank discussion of sexuality, you de-evolve and shift gears into blasť, employing no end of diversionary tactics. While this often serves your immediate purpose, it is ultimately to your detriment, as your partners never feel as though they're able to be truly intimate with you.
Rowlf - You are not so much old-fashioned as you are content with the simpler things in sex. You look upon all the hardware, tattoos, and tantric methods as amusing novelties employed by a bunch of folks who are just working too hard. Your sex habits don't vary often - which is not to say it's boring or routine, but it limits your understanding of why your partner expresses a desire to spice and shake things up in the bedroom. You're comfortable in traditional roles, and don't really give much thought to branching out. Although you will try new things when the opportunity presents itself, you invariably return to your own tried and true methods.
Sweetums - Even though you have a hard candy shell, you melt in the right hands. You are a power fuck and your relationships never break up over problems in the bedroom (more likely because you can't read The Cat in the Hat without moving your lips). Ex-partners still call out of the blue for an occasional tryst. You are the consummate fuck-buddy. You put a lot of effort into pleasing your partner and don't understand when things go sour. Although you long to be in a solid relationship, you have issues with intimacy and monogamy - mostly arising from the fact that you are incapable of either. In fact, if put on the spot, odds are you couldn't spell intimacy or monogamy, but then, in bed your mouth is typically focused on more important duties.